Bruised and Out of Step

My weekend was a lot of hard work which left me tired and achy all the way through Tuesday, worse yet I had moved several large pieces of furniture and in due course managed to smash my fingers,  bump my head and bruise my thigh. Later I made supper and burned my hand:(

Monday sucked too only for very different reasons and while I tried to let everything slid off of me, it wasn’t easy.  Lexx was under the weather and clearly brewing a new illness, by Tuesday she was running a high fever…again. It’s not the fever that is hard to take its the toll her health takes on her emotional wellbeing that cuts me to ribbons.

When she came down the stairs, she stopped when she saw me, then she sat on the step and cried…she said she was tired of being sick. I sat next to her and she folded and cried some more.

What I know of being a parent of a child who has been chronically ill since preschool is that it never gets easier, it only weighs heavier and you never get used to your child’s suffering.

Even though today brought a lower grade fever it also brought a discussion about her spring graduation. Due to her immune deficiency Lexx is an online student and her graduation ceremony will take place in St. Paul. I expected her to be excited about her impending graduation but she wasn’t.  In fact she’s been dragging her feet on school in general and I’ve had a difficult time understanding. After I brought the subject up, she insisted that she would under no circumstance attend her graduation ceremony… then turned her back and pressed her cuffs to her eyes.

It was then that I remembered the tribute that she wrote for her father’s funeral, she said she was afraid of the big days to come…like graduation. She said that she knew that others would be there to fill in for him but that she would spend the whole time wishing with all her heart that he was there. Suddenly her reluctance to clear that milestone made sense.

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2 Comments

Filed under General, Life

2 responses to “Bruised and Out of Step

  1. woowooteacup

    This post makes me sad, both for Lexx and everything she has to deal with, and for you having the difficulty of parenting in a situation that can’t readily be fixed. Parents can do a lot for their children, but there are some things we can’t do at all and I hate that helpless feeling of not being able to fix things.

    Hugs to you both.

  2. What would I do without you Ms. Woo Woo. While all parents have things that they can’t fix, it has been the mantra of my relationship with my youngest child. While other parents stuggle to fix wants, where Alexa is concerned I fall short of being able to fix very real and basic needs.

    Re-establishing our lives, finally understanding the degree of her immune disorder would have been enough to work through..but throw in an inability to attend school and the loss of her father… The past 18 months has been staggering.

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