It’s 3:30 A.M., I’ve been awake for about a half hour and I’m crabby, really crabby. This is the third day in a row that I woke up after 3 or 4 hours of sleep and I can’t go back to sleep. I was so exhausted yesterday that I couldn’t hold a thought.
For the past month of been under the weather trying to get rid of an upper respiratory infection which left me tired. For the past week I’ve felt like myself again and I’ve even looked like myself. Looking and feeling rundown for a month grew worrisome and it didn’t go unnoticed by my daughter who tried really hard not to smile as she muttered, “maybe you’ll stay that way.”
Nice. As if inching seriously past 45 isn’t awful enough I have an 18 year old daughter amusing herself with thoughts of my eminent decomposition. Where’s the love? For that matter where’s my Rolling Stones t-shirt and my graffiti jeans?
The upshot is that my energy level is back to normal but I just can’t seem to stay asleep more that 4 hours at a time. Stress? Not anymore than usual. I will admit that I’m incredibly behind on everything from being ill for so long. I noticed it was Chinese New Year and thought crap! Last time I celebrated Chinese New Year was when I flew to London to celebrate my cousins birthday which means I didn’t send her birthday card…or write to my aunt in Wisconsin, or my cousin in Arizona…my second cousin is waiting for me to call and my 108 year old grandmother will cry when I visit because I’ve been away sick so long.
What I have done is catch up on laundry, bookstore business including tons of shipping, paperwork, I’m organized to file my taxes and I caught up with both of my Mary friends who I haven’t talked to in too long.
What I have to do now is get seeds planted for this years garden, order the new crops and get them growing. Last year I planted 25 organic Roma’s which we harvested and roasted with olive oil and garlic…for hours. It made exquisite sauces that only lasted through fall, so I’ve canceled growing corn and instead we will plant 100 heirloom Amish Paste Tomatoes. We’ll also plant more organic German Butterball Potatoes this year, the ones we grew last year were wonderful and we harvested enough produce to keep us through the winter. The asparagus crowns will be old enough to harvest this year. I also plan to add an experimental plant from the Andes called Oca and Hopi Ceremonial Tobacco which is cold weather resistant.
I have a moral conflict with the tobacco, its sort of a novelty I’m excited to try and I’m eager to learn more. I don’t know if I’ll give it to any of the smokers in my life. Obviously we’ll also plant the seeds harvested from last year which will include Amish Snap Peas, Christmas Lima’s, Blue Lake Green Beans, Scarlet Runner Beans, Arrow Peas, peppers….no green ones, Walla Walla & Sweet Vidalia Onions. Then of course the pots of fresh herbs, salad greens and the annual memorial Sunflower patch for Alexa’s dad…this year we’re planting a variety that is edible.
I’m also completing the application to attend St. Cloud State University. I’m not entirely sure I want to do that but I’m keeping my options open. In many respects I’m more lost at this point in my life than I’ve ever been. My life’s been defined by my children and my baby turned 18. I”m operating my online business while I decide where to go career wise…I have nothing defining my life and I haven’t the first clue as to what to do with it.
My children are grown, I’m not in a relationship, I’m working self employment from my home office….I just assumed at this juncture of my life I’d at least have a job restricting me and I don’t even have that. Having the ability to choose is good but I’m bewildered. I keep waiting for an obvious path or something to point me in the right direction but it’s all still murky.
Here is what I know:
I want to continue writing fiction & I want to improve my skill as a writer so I am able to fall back on journalism and obtain work with bigger publications than I have in the past. A degree would also give me more range as a non profit director.
I have a finite amount of time most of which has been spent raising children and I don’t know the most direct path from point A to point B. I don’t want to spend time in a classroom covering political science when I’ve worked as a political organizer, community organizer and lobbyist. So, I’m not ready to commit to anything and I’m not prepared to answer bigger questions about my life or pull together a plan.
For this reason I may continue with my online bookstore and launch a local newspaper until I have a clearer sense of direction. In the time it takes to get the paper established I can investigate my options and execute a well thought plan.